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Thursday, January 17, 2019

I Need Your Help.

I never thought I'd be in this situation--I hoped it would never come to this.

This is a very dark time to be alive; you see, a new threat looms over the horizon, daring to take away everything that we hold dear.

Everyday is a new struggle, and I feel utterly alone. I know there are millions of others like me- but I feel like I could never reach them across the incorporeal internet divide.

How many times must this rear its ugly head before society takes action?

I'm going to give it to you straight. I need something from you. I don't like asking for things, especially from people I don't know- but the situation is growing increasingly dire by the minute.

I need for you to click on this link.

It will take you to Pewdiepie's YouTube channel.

I need you to click the link, move your cursor to the top-right sector of the page, and click "Subscribe."

T-series must be stopped.

We might have pulled ahead for the time being, but now a new threat looms.

Our king has declared a Holy Crusade against Kylie Jenner over the egg.

The egg has surpassed the normies in the race for the most likes, and now our Lord Pewds has launched a militant internet-fame campaign to fight for the rightful place in the Number One spot. We cannot fail him now. Like a mighty Macedonian king, he will take what is his.

This is what our king strives for. He will settle for nothing less.

But not on his own.

He needs our help.

I have faith that there are none among us who haven't already fought the good fight against T-series. But your duty is far from over.

This war will be brutal and grueling. We can't just subscribe and walk away, telling ourselves that our part is done.

If you haven't already, subscribe- this will be the most noble thing you will ever do in your life.

After that, we need to spread the word.

Retweet, reblog, share to Reddit and Facebook and every other platform you can think of. If you have grandparents that don't understand technology, send them the link and tell them to subscribe.

And once you've done that, keep going. No war was won in a day.

Shout it from the rooftops.

Hire a blimp to string the word above the night sky.

Illuminate the heavens with fireworks bearing the words, "Subscribe to Pewdiepie."

Tattoo it on your chest.

Make his sigil into a flag and wave it triumphantly over your property to alert your neighbors that you're doing your part. If you peer out the window and see your neighbors are doing no such thing, approach them with a basket of brownies and bribe them to subscribe to Pewdiepie. I won't tell you to bring pot brownies specifically, but I won't rule it out.

And once you get going... Never. Stop.

Name your firstborn son Pewdiepie. When you don't know the answer to a test question, just write "Pewdiepie" in the blank, and if your teacher or professor says it's wrong, tell them that you learned in Sunday school that Jesus was always the answer.

If my words aren't enough to sway you, listen to the heartfelt pleas of a good friend and soldier of Pewdiepie- Markiplier.

It won't let me embed the video. I'm sorry. You'll just have to trust me. I promise it's not a rickroll.

This isn't a time to dick around, I'm dead-serious, gosh-diddly-darn it. I swear it's not a rickroll. Get your head in the game, soldier, this is serious.

And after you've heard Markiplier's urgent message (don't continue reading until you've finished the whole thing), turn your attention yonder, where Buzzfeed- the scourge of the Internet- blights humanity once again with their horrible totalitarian propaganda, trying to shove T-series down our throat.
By this point, even if you hate me- even if you hate Markiplier and Pewdiepie- do you really want Buzzfeed to win? Because that's what happens if T-series and Kylie Jenner win. Even if you absolutely hate my guts, we all must unite against this cancer.

Everyone always talks about finding the cure to cancer, but Pewdiepie is the cure.

This isn't a time to be picky. This isn't a time to be petty or vindictive, or to get dragged into friv'lous battles.

Enemies and former lovers alike must set their differences aside to take on a common enemy. This is a fight that everyone is a part of, whether you know it or not.

Don't give up. Don't turn away from the light or get caught in melodrama from past disputes.

Forget the past. The past is gone. This is now.

There will never be a bigger moment in our lifetime.

Right here, right now, is all that matters- will you succumb to the crushing darkness that T-series, Kylie Jenner and Buzzfeed are trying to peddle, or will you stand and fight?

I don't care how long it takes. I will sit here all day typing furiously if I have to. I have no life or friends, I can go as long as you want, pal.

So what's it gonna be?

Don't even continue reading, just click the link above and subscribe to Pewdiepie immediately.

Maybe you're elderly and you missed the link the first time. I'll post it again, here:

This is the link to Pewdiepie's channel.

All you have to do is click on the "Subscribe" button.

If you're having trouble subscribing, here's a video tutorial showing you precisely how to subscribe to Pewdiepie.

*Note, he forgot to mention that you need a YouTube account, so please create at least 10 YouTube accounts and subscribe them all to Pewdiepie's channel after following the instructional video below*

After you've done that, you know what to do.

What are you doing? You shouldn't be here, you should be spreading the word.

Go. Get out.

Why are you still here? I'm going to terminate this post immediately, lest you waste another moment here instead of getting out there and doing your duty.

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